wordinista | I am speechless

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I am speechless

So, apparently, if you're Nicole Richie, you too can get published by writing bad Mary-Sue origi-fic at an eighth-grade level.

Seriously -- it's the new queen of published bad!fic, and now features prominently in my own personal hell -- right alongside Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt.

Nicole Richie got published. PUBLISHED. She wrote a book. (I'm half-surprised she can read.)

And here's the funny part -- apparently she features as a character in the book as well.

There are no words.

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From the photo on the cover, I'm guessing it's a horror novel?

...

Well, I'm properly terrified, anyway.

Liek, OMG, do you think Paris totally beta-read for her?

No. That'd mean she'd have to take off 5 years from boozing, drinking, and whoring to do so... Since, you know, she only reads and writes at a kindergarten level. Ah the joy of being born into old money. Means you can be as stupid as you want to be and not have to worry about the consequences.

...only reads and writes at a kindergarten level...

I dunno; that may explain it. The blind leading the blind down the road to literary noteriety.

Paris: OMG! Liek, Chloe wears LA Gear? I never wore LA Gear!
Nicole: You so did!
Paris: Did not!
Nicole: Did!

*2 hours pass*

Paris: Did not!
Nicole: Did!

*later...*

Paris: So, like, am I Chloe? Or is Chloe you? Or is it, like, both of us?
Nicole: Chloe is me. Like, it's MY book. Write your OWN book.
Paris: But, like, how can Chloe be YOU? YOU'RE already IN the book!
Nicole: Tcha! That's so no one will KNOW!
Paris: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nicole: *looks omg smug*
Paris: *looks omg confused*

*later...*

Paris: *still looks confused* So, like, you're Chloe.
Nicole: Right.
Paris: But Nicole's in the book.
Nicole: Right.
Paris: But you're Nicole.
Nicole: Right.
Paris: ....I'm so confused. Why didn't you tell me your name is Chloe?

Nononono, darling. The blonde leading the blonde.

XD

Don't you think confused is too many syllables for Paris? ;)

Hmm. Well, considering that "champagne" has two syllables, as does "cocaine," she can probably handle "confused."

What?! You mean to tell me you don't think poor Ms. Richie isn't capable of producing high-quality fiction? Blasphemy!

Did you not read the exert? Only a true master of the language could manage to jump between past, present, and future tense in the first two sentences and then go on to use the indefinite "you" in the third. The rest of us hacks are still tied down by those sophomoric rules of grammar.
/sarcasm

Frustrating, isn't it? I won't even start on Christ the Lord. Seriously though, you've got talent. Just keep at it and don't let the stupidity of reality slow you down. *hugs Niamh*

*hugs* It's ... okay, yes, it's frustrating, because I know there are talented, unpublished writers out there trying to get into the business, and are talented enough to do so, yet they have enough rejection letters to wallpaper their house.

Frankly, she lost me at the line "hottest club in L.A." That screeches "amateur" to me, particularly when the excerpt goes on to mention different clubs. Well, which one is the "hottest"?

The shameless use of pop-culture name-dropping (Kenye West's "Golddigger") and analogies that will not hold up ("Brads" looking for "Angelinas") were enough to make my eyes roll straight out of my head. Lawd.

And she's a CHARACTER IN THE BOOK. *headsplode*

Yeah, I know. But really, what else can be expected? We can only write on the level we think and read on.

The girl has absolutely no grasp of descriptive writing. She makes her pop culture references and assumes that tells the reader all they could possibly need to know. I mean, "Like Holly Golightly in Madonna-wannabe rags, Chloe had the ability to not only be in the moment, but to create it." Color me stupid, but I haven't got a clue what the hell that was supposed to mean.

Ahh -- Holly Golightly was Audrey Hepburn's character in Breakfast at Tiffany's. She was actually pretty emotionally... uh... hmm... she was basically a social butterfly with the emotional maturity of a dishrag. She's actually a pretty sad character -- by "sad" I mean, you're supposed to feel sorry for her, but she's not really very likable.

It sounds to me like Richie thinks Holly is OMGSOCOOL, and completely missing the point of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Which, wow, shock.

Okay, I have no idea who this woman is, but the excerpt? Pain. Disjointed narrator voice is an excellent technique if you can use it, but this is more like the writer took her time-space continuum and stuffed it into a blender. My eyes, my eyes.

And imagine, if you will, the following concept: it was once unedited.

*headsplode*

*joins you in the headsplode*

Ouch. I did not need that mental image, lovely as it is in all its grotesque glory.

Do you figure she actually typed it herself? I'm imagining her MS scrawled out in lipstick or crayon. She probably sent her editor on a bender between all the you're/your and there/their/they're flubs.

Who needs Poe and Lovecraft? Let me read that unedited manuscript to strike fear into my cold, black heart!

Heh. You are a far braver soul than I am, then. Even the excerpt is enough to give me nightmares.

MS? I'm afraid I am stumped by this abbreviation, since Mary Sue, although related, does not seem likely...

Whoops! Sorry: MS = manuscript.

Honestly, I got about two paragraphs into it before I closed the window. I then went back and made myself read the entire excerpt because... I'm a masochist, apparently.

And imagine, if you will, the following concept: it was once unedited.

I can't even begin to describe the sound that sentence wrenched out of me.

Well, they always say to write what you know, and Nicole obviously showed us what she knows... *snicker*

*snigger* Exactly! And Miss Richie knows.... uh....

hmmm....

She knows how to party, apparently, and how to record her experiences about as well as any 13 year-old on FFN.

see, I was going for simpler than that! I was thinking - nothing. *smile*

My brain just about exploded when I read that hyperlink text. Why are you insulting everyone (including me) who writes an at 8th grade level?!?!?! *sob*

If this is the shit they are publishing these days I don't see why you or Puppy can't get some trashy novels published. Easy money, yo! Like taking candy from the proverbial baby!

Just goes to show: It's not what you know, it's who you fuck.

The mental image of Nicole Richie fucking anybody has made me ring my psychologist for an emergency session, just so you know.

Oh, please. It's a shorter list of who she hasn't fucked. ;D

...*headdeask*

I heard about that... I thought it was a joke. I feel sad now.

Despite the fact that Ms. Richie is richer and thinner than me, I can feel somewhat smug in the fact that despite everything she has done she is still rather plain and furthermore, she is an appallingly bad writer. The book will clearly be the literary equivalent of her friend Paris' sex tape freak show.

See, if she'd written the book and it had been good... well, see, that might have hurt. I might have considered that unfair on some level. However, she's clearly just as shit at it as malicious persons could wish her to be... in fact more so, since I can't even imagine anything worse than what I just read.

The fact that Holly Golightly is a role model for Mary Sue is indicative. Holly Golightly was a sad character. But she was played by Audrey Hepburn, who was *pretty*. It is important to get one's priorities right.

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I am speechless

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I feel really fucking good about this