wordinista | I just want to be me

I've been very dissatisfied with myself lately, and it's time to do something about that. So I made a list for myself. It's not a meme, but if you can think of ten things you can do for yourself to bring you closer to the person you want to be, go for it.

1. Refamiliarize myself with my books. Especially the lit crit stuff. Going to try reading one a week and then work up to more. --Do not feel obligated to return to Heidegger or Gramsci.

2. Continue the healthy eating -- energy levels have been noticeably higher, and while I haven't started losing weight yet, I'm feeling better in general.

3. Write at least an hour a day. If writing original fiction, shoot for 500 words a day.

4. Reconnect with old friends.

5. Look into English/MLA-related conferences. Consider submitting papers for smaller ones (find that one Gothic/Horror conference, especially).

6. Find that old list of paper/article ideas and work on producing something.

7. Finish OGAM and Bump

8. Finish the pain in the ass novel that's been haunting my hard-drive. Bonus points if I finish it within the year.

9. Get over crippling fear and performance anxiety and work towards getting good enough to compete in agility trials with Darwin.

10. Don't feel guilty for life's little pleasures -- a nap, a nice bottle of wine, a pedicure. This cycle of constant denial is getting tiresome.

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*squishes the fellow bunneh back even more* I'm so terrified of what I'm doing. I'm looking at the money, my credit and am seriously considering committing myself to a mental institution. I'm excited, but at the same time questioning my sanity, y'know? *hugs GRE study guide like a security blanket* I know it doesn't change things, but don't feel awkward commenting! For all the influx of folks into my LJ lately, you're worth more than a million. ^_^ I understand, I was feeling off because of my job situation for a long time. It helps that I now have a boyfriend who is worth the world to me and has helped me find where I'm going again.

My biggest problem has been allowing my career to let my eating habits slide and the lack of exercise. I've started out by tackling the treadmill and getting in about a mile per session at the moment. Then I'll get that number higher as my endurance builds again. I've also done really good buying stuff from Trader Joe's and Wild Oats. Yeah, it's more expensive but less of those oils in there.

I would give ANYTHING for a Trader Joe's around here. As it is, Whole Foods and Wild Oats merged, and then CLOSED THE STORE. I don't even know what to think about that, beyond, you know, righteous indignation! I've found a few nice produce markets, though, so I'm muddling through. LOTS more fresh fruit and veggies around here -- I stopped buying them fresh from the grocery store, because the shelf life was so ridiculously short. They last a good bit longer from the produce markets. It does cost a little more, but I'm not complaining -- fresh veggies are fresh veggies.

The GRE is a very special kind of torture. My scores are now five years old, and if I ever decide to go for my PhD, I'll have to retake it. And... probably the subject test too. Joyful joyousness. :/

Hee-- you're going to laugh when I tell you what I think spawned this whole... thing.

I got a haircut. A drastically short haircut, when my hair HAD been about, oh... to the middle of my back? It was like... once all of that excess hair was gone, I felt... better. Different. ...And kinda sexy. ^^;

BUT ANYWAY, tell me about the boyfriend!!

Hey, if a haircut works, it works! For me, what spawned everything was the next round of layoffs being announced in my building combined with a lot of drastic changes being done to my zones. That led to a very long conversation with my boyfriend in which I randomly surfed through some grad school programs and found one (ironically not the one I'm going for now) that made me go giddy inside. I pointed it out to him and he urged me to go for it. At the same time, on Facebook, there emerged a community for people looking to get out of the industry and I joined it. Just divorcing myself from what's going on is helping me out a lot, and so does having a plan. It's funny that I'm looking to go back to my first career choice beyond journalist, but I think I have the maturity to handle it now where I didn't when I was an undergrad.

BOYFRIEND! His name is Mike and I actually met him through fanfiction. He wrote me back in the fall of 2005 to tell me how much he loved my work, and he was so shy that I felt compelled to make him talk more. Then we gradually became friends and I realized I was developing a crush on him when I kept comparing the guys I dated to him. I kept trying to discount all the reasons not to fall in love with him: He's almost four years younger than me and he lives in Liverpool being at the top of it. But Mike acts so much older than his age - he's getting his PhD in astrophysics - and is such an adorable teddy bear that I just couldn't help acknowledging that yes I do love him.

It's working out amazingly well. We've been dating for 9 1/2 months now and have spent a week together, then another week in November when he comes out here. We talk a lot, and use our webcams so he sees what I'm doing, etc. For all of my attempts at dating, this has been the most successful. When Mike finishes his PhD next year, we're going to talk about our options - which will most likely be his coming out here until I finish school or he does post-doctorate work until I'm finished. It's rough not being together in person, but I've never felt lonely. I know it'll happen when the time is right, and we make each other extremely happy.

I just want to be me

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