amazing what you unearth when you write

Evvie's coming back from Europe this week! Yay!

Seriously, I had no idea how MUCH I talked with her until I didn't. Of course, I was surprised to learn that I procrastinate just as much when she's not on AIM as when she is. I figured I'd get all sorts of work done (like, real work, as opposed to OGAM work). But I've found new and interesting ways to avoid doing work. So if nothing else, I'm resourceful in my timewasting skills.

Witness one such timewasting outlet: This blog.

Well, the Brit Lit class had it's first actual class yesterday, and it was AWESOME. They were already discussing the book before I'd even started taking attendance! (Attendance, by the way, consists of quickly counting to see if there are actually eleven bodies warming the chairs.) It was so freaking fantastic. The class flew by. Class never flies by for me. I'm always struggling to make it stretch, and... all of a sudden I looked at my watch and realized that class was OVER. It was kinda cool, actually. At no point did I ask a question and get the glazed-over-roadkill look in return. Maybe this is positive karmic payback for last semester's hell classes. Because THIS is what I dreamed of when I decided I wanted to teach.

*happysigh*

Maybe if I offered to bear the campus president's child I'd get to keep the class. Hmm. Of course, campus president is bald and somewhat resembles a Muppet... Well, I'll find out tomorrow if I get to keep the class or not. I'd like to think that they'd tell me before NOW, but I've learned not to put anything past these yahoos.

One small problem, and I don't know if it's due to work or what, but I've been having a beeyotch of a time doing anything that has anything to do with fic or writing. I know I've got a chapter to write, but I can't seem to make myself think about it, much less write it. I've got a few other small things I want to write as well, but inspiration seems to be at an all-time low. Sometimes stepping away from it works, other times making myself write and working all the garbage out of my system works too. We'll see what works. I just know I'm having a hard time thinking creatively. Maybe it's the school semester starting up, maybe it's worries about the PhD applications, and maybe -- just maybe, coming back home has finally worn on me. I love my mother, I do -- and I get along with her. But I think I need to love her at a distance. Because you CAN be too close to the ones you love.

The wedding is a perfect example. I told her in JULY that I didn't think it was the right time to have a wedding. George and I hadn't saved up anything, and I knew I wasn't going to have time to PLAN the damned thing. Besides which, I'm so freaking disorganized, it's not funny. So Mom, being the Virgo that she is, said she'd plan everything. Sounds great, right?

Wrong.

Mom's got a bad habit of making promises like that to get me to go along with whatever she wants. So, she said she'd take care of the planning, and I agreed. This was July. NOTHING -- and I repeat: NOTHING has been done. Nothing. At all.

And she's still telling people George and I are getting married in May? WTF? HOW? WHERE?

So, eloping has been the hot topic of the month between me and the boy. We've been dating for going on ten years. It's kind of ridiculous NOT to get married. But what's even more ridiculous is what's unfolding right now. We agreed to getting married in May after Mom assured us (practically crying, mind you) that everything would be taken care of. I gave her names of vendors, people to call, what have you. Nothing. Nothing's been done. And when I brought up putting it off for six months? She nearly broke down into tears.

I think I'm being manipulated, and I have no freakin' idea to what end. WHY? What does she have to gain, here?

If I'd known it was going to turn out like this, I would've put my foot down in July. Either that, or I would've gone into this knowing I'd be doing every freaking thing MYSELF. And I would've done it myself.

Actually, being a firm believer in "If you want something done right, do it yourself," I can't believe I agreed to let her handle it. But, ya know, it's my mom. And I should be able to trust my mom, right?

But she's done this my whole life. She's made these great pie-in-the-sky promises ever since I was a kid, and she so seldom follows through with them. I usually just deal with it, and I usually find a way to make things work on my own, but I just didn't think she'd slip back into the same old M.O. when it came to her only child's wedding.

But, when all is said and done, it is my wedding, and if George and I want to elope, we're damned well going to elope.

It just pisses me off, because all of this time that's passed could've been USED to freaking PLAN. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down with her to talk/plan about wedding stuff, and got blown off.

Grrr. I'm never, never letting her talk me into anything again. I mean, yeah, it was a given we were going to get married. But instead of standing our collective ground and saying, "Not this year," we were both suckered in by a teary-eyed guilt trip.

And, wow, I think I've discovered the root of my inability to concentrate on writing.

Normally I'd say, "I'm going to sit down and talk with her about this." But I know it's not going to do any good. I can't frickin' count on her.

So, elopement -- sounding good, no?