wordinista | Entries tagged with emo

There are some months, I suppose, that are emotional roller-coasters simply by virtue of being fraught with holiday stress and obligations. I've been walking around all day with this ball of tension in my chest, constantly feeling as if I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't felt this way in quite some time, and while I was perfectly aware of a few stressors present in my life, I was fairly certain nothing going on warranted this level of anxiety. Just the other day I was squeeing over Darwin's 3rd birthday and gushing over his puppy pictures.

So I walked the dogs, and grew ever-annoyed with Florida's pathetic excuse for winter weather, returning home carrying the fleece I'd left wearing. I fed the beasts and started my Monday tidying/cleaning routine. I was dusting the living room when I saw it -- the nondescript little metal box that resides behind the television. It's Bronte's box: it holds her cremains, and it lives behind the TV because that was her favorite place to curl up while at the same time the ONLY place she wasn't allowed to curl up. (Except toward the end, when Bronte was allowed to do whatever Bronte pleased.)

I... promptly burst into tears. I've cried a few times today, and I suspect there will be flare-ups throughout the month.

There's also vague work-related angst, as it would appear that George won't be getting a year-end bonus, since Boss has said nothing either way about bonuses -- despite the fact that Boss told George if they landed Big Name Client (which they did), he could expect to see a nice bonus at the end of the year. Sigh.

So right now I feel a little empty and sore and cynical inside, and it... really kind of sucks.

Tell me something happy.

( cut for emo bunneh ramblings )

Current Mood: depressed

Um. Right. So.

I didn't get it.

I don't feel like talking about it. I'm mostly done crying, though the urge does still pop up, however sporadically. I'm trying to read this as the universe telling me to get on with my tea shop, but I just love teaching so much. And I'm good at it. (I'm suspecting they got someone either with more high school teaching experience, or who actually specializes in American literature, since that's what the position was for, and my specialty is British.)

So... yeah. Yesterday was not what you'd call a red-letter day.

Today, however, we're going to see Pirates, and there has been talk of going out to dinner afterward ~~so I may drown my sorrows in something fermented and very, very potent.~~ And there are very few sorrows that Cap'n Jack ~~and rum~~ cannot soothe.

I did, however, get an interesting and... eerily apropos horoscope this morning:

Pisces: You are emerging from a small funk. Things are looking up for you now.

I'm not sure I'd agree with the "small funk" part of it, as I've been in a funk for about two weeks now (this news just happened to be the pinnacle), but if things are going to start looking up, I'm certainly not going to complain.

EDIT: OMGWTF. PIRATES. ASDFJK; JACK. JACK. JACK. DO ME, JACK. OMG. WILL. WILL. WIIIIIILL. OMG. EVERYONE. PIRATES. ASDJFKASDJFK;LASDKJ;A

So, yeah. There is no sorrow Jack Sparrow can't soothe.

Current Mood: not quite out of the funk yet

Well, the interview Wednesday went very well. It... actually went better than even I'd hoped, including things like, "We love your resume," "We're very impressed by your resume," and other blush-inducing things. I don't know when I'll hear anything, but they want to see me teach, see how I'll handle a high school class, so I'm currently in the pool of substitutes and will get a call the very next time they need a sub in the Upper School (the high school, basically -- the school itself has a Lower School, Middle School, and Upper School). I have a good feeling, but am trying not to get too excited, because that happens to me a lot -- I get excited, get my hopes up, and then something happens and I'm inconsolable for weeks. So. Mostly I'm hanging back with a wait and see attitude.

Now the bad news. It appears Bronte is having a bit of a relapse. I made an appointment with the vet for tomorrow (but her regular vet is gone all this week, curses), and I'm going to suggest putting her back on the low-level chemo drug and prednisone, and hopefully she hasn't relapsed to the point where we'll have to think about another transfusion, because mygod, I don't think our bank account could handle that. I think we caught it soon enough, though, because it was just in the space of a week that we started noticing a change in her behavior. Sometimes I wonder if Darwin didn't sense it sooner, because he's been awfully clingy around Bronte lately. Even now, both of them are under my desk, together, sleeping. Bronte is on a low shelf and Darwin's curled up by my feet. If I didn't know it'd disturb them both, I'd get the camera and take a picture.

I kind of feel like her relapse is my fault. I knew I needed to make a follow-up appointment for her. I knew it. But we also had to get Darwin in for his booster shots, and I had every intention of making her follow-up appointment for two weeks after Darwin's, but didn't, and it was stupid and irresponsible of me, and... yeah, not in a very good place right now. As I'm sure you can imagine.

At the very least, if I get hired by the school, there will be more disposable income with which to funnel into our "kids," and I won't have to worry about scheduling vet appointments on weeks we get paid.

Cross your fingers for me, guys.

Current Mood: indescribable

Interesting morning. And not in the overly good way.

First: Had argument with Tora over Darwin's case of the itchies. He thinks I should have called the vet long before now. I do not want to be that person who calls the vet for every little thing. Stupid argument. We're both being stubborn over it. Hopefully will resolve itself before our Big Night Out tonight. (Argument over The Itchies turned into Argument Over Every Little Damn Thing That's Been Bothering Him. Which, okay, I've slacked on the housework this week in order to study for the test. I did not realize that was an unforgivable sin. We will not get into Every Little Damn Thing Tora Does (Or Doesn't Do) That Bothers Me. BUT WE COULD.)

Second: Have been in process of changing bank accounts. Pain in the ass. I don't recommend doing it. In this process, I was given a temporary ATM card until my real card arrives in the mail. This week I discovered that the temporary ATM card was attached to someone else's account. (I discovered this when trying to withdraw a substantial amount to put into our old bank account to make sure nothing bounces, and got told I didn't have sufficient funds to make the withdrawal, wtf.) So, basically, there is another person in my town with my name (different middle initials), and she has had a mystery withdrawal from her account. I'm sure she's thrilled.

So, they give me a new card and I run out to the ATM to withdraw $20 to pay this poor woman back. ATM tells me I'm overdrawn $55, which is impossible since I deposited Tora's payroll check yesterday morning. Big ol' WTF, right there.

I go back in. Am assigned to another customer service lady. This one knows my family (Mom and Gramps bank at this particular branch), and she tells me there's no sign of the payroll deposit and did I have the receipt on me. No, I did not have the receipt on me, which meant I had to drive home, quick like a bunny, and get the receipt of the kitchen counter. I got the receipt, went back to the bank, showed receipt to customer service lady, who was very nice and tracked down my deposit. Apparently the teller who took my check keyed in the wrong something-or-other and the check with to "unpostables." We caught it before it got sent back, and the money will post to the account tonight.

So then she's like, "Can I transfer $20 out of your savings account into this other woman's account?"
Me: "Sure, no problem."
CSL: *tappytappy on the keyboard*
Me: *waits*
CSL: *tappytappy*
Me: *waits*
CSL: *sighs* Apparently your overdraft protection is trying to go into effect. It's not letting me touch the funds.
Me: .....

So then she asked me to tell her about another deposit that had a hold on it. It was my financial aid refund check, and the hold was to be taken off on 2/5.

Awesome Customer Service Lady took the hold off the money right then. <3 We put money back into my savings account, paid back Unfortunate Lady With My Name, and after I was assured that I would incur no extra charges for this little debacle, I went on my happy way. Sadly, I've felt like I have a little black cloud over my head all day. I've been a total clutz, and also managed to knock over a dozen eggs in the grocery store today (oh THAT was an awesome moment, let me tell you).

But! I paid for the groceries with my new temporary ATM card, and everything seemed to be working fine, so huzzah for that.

Current Mood: unlucky

Ask your ~~hormonal~~ adult daughter, "So, how far are you going to take this?" in relation to her possibly terminally ill cat.

Ever.

Next thing you should never say: "You can't go into hock over an animal. I know you love her, and she is a love, but she's just an animal."

Never, ever say that, either. Trust me on this one.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the vet called last night with... not-good news. Her hematocrit level was down to 7% (should be around 30-40% in a healthy cat), and that her anemia is the non-regenerative type, which increases the likelihood of FeLV. Her initial test (a basic blood test) came out negative, but he wants to do a bone marrow test to make sure it wasn't a false negative, because all signs seem to be pointing to FeLV.

EDIT the Second: I wrote to a local feline specialist today and got the following reply:

Bronte is going to need a blood transfusion w/ a PCV of 7 % regardless of the cause of the anemia. A bone marrow aspirate after she is stabilized from the transfusion is a logical next step. I am assuming she has been tested for FeLV and FIV. It sounds like she originally was being treated for a red blood cell type parasite called Hemobartonella. It is usually treated w/ doxy and pred for 3 weeks. It also usually shows a regenerative anemia. Immune mediated anemias in cats are rare except in FeLV positive cats.

Dammit.

The doc then went on to recommend two veterinary internists in the area.

Dammit.

Never again. Never, never again -- I am not ever, ever getting a random kitten from an "oops" litter ever again. I'll go to the pound first. I'll buy a purebred cat. But if there's any way I can avoid going through this kind of heartache again, I'm doing it.

Current Mood: Very Upset

Business statistics homework sucks ass.

Business statistics homework done while nearly everyone I know online is in San Francisco this weekend makes me want to cry.

Business statistics homework done while nearly everyone I know online is in San Francisco this weekend (and knowing that I was supposed to have gone) makes me want to drown myself in a wading pool full of ice cream.

EDIT -- Have finished homework and am convinced have some form of dyscalculia.