The good makes up for the bad

Sometimes I feel I'm very lucky. I'm having one of those days today. in fact, during a time when I normally write or try to catch up on grading, I find myself writing this instead. I'll transpose it when I get home.

I complain about my classes sometimes. Particularly when one student yells at me, or when an entire class blows off an assignment. Those are the things that make my job difficult, those are the things that make me wonder why I do this job -- why I give a shit at all. The attitudes, the paperwork, the pitfalls sometims make me wonder why I try. There have been a few entries lately about that, and I feel like I should apologize for my whining. But then -- what is an LJ for if not for ranting and whining occasionally?

But sometimes I have a day when I feel such relief and satisfaction and... happiness at what I do. Some days a class will completely turn my day around -- alter my mood so completely (for the better), just by doing or saying something. I have two such classes. Brit Lit and Composition II. Granted, BL, being a smaller class, tries to get away with more (and I think I let them get away with more, too). They try SO hard to divert the lecture off-topic. Sometimes they're good at it. Sometimes they're so transparent, I have to sit back and giggle at them. Like today. *chuckles and rolls eyes* They're adorable, really. Only they would shift a lecture on "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" to a class discussion ranging from Buffy and Angel to "The Green Mile."

But I digress. Yeah, you can see how easy it is for me to get on a tangent. *grin* If I didn't have lecture notes, we'd never get anything done.

Usually it's the BL class that turns my mood around. And they did a good job of it today. But, really, the class that really touched me was Comp II. They're a great group -- a mish-mash of classes from last semester. In fact, out of 22 students, I think there are only five who I've never had in class before.

See, I've been coming out of the Duke funk. It bothered me more than I thought, more than I cared to admit, and I've been find it hard to concentrate lately. I haven't really felt like writing and I can't focus on one thing long enough to grade. It's like there's a stock ticker running through my head saying "YOU SUCK -- THEY DON'T WANT YOU!" over and over again.

So, I'm behind on grading. Again. And it's not fair that they should get the short end of the stick because I'm in a funk, but... well. *shrug*

At any rate, I explained the situation to Comp II (which is the class I'm most behind on). I told them I knew it wasn't an excuse, but I wanted them to understand that I wasn't just blowing them off. Because I had so many of the kids last semester (and they all knew when the applications got sent out), I felt comfortable enough sharing this with them.

They then took it upon themselves to make me laugh. To "de-funk" me, as they put it. And I did -- laughed, that is. Hard. One off the cuff comment by a particularly brilliant, but soft-spoken student made me cackle -- which I try very hard not to do in public.

And as I sit here, I realize that... not getting into Duke isn't a huge blow, and it doesn't make me a failure at what I consider myself to do best.

How could I possibly be a failure when such a great group of people give such a damn about my feelings? They're not supposed to see me as a person, right? I'm that talking head in the front of the room. The one who assigns them work, the one who will kick them out in a heartbeat if I catch them sleeping.

At least, that's what I thought I was.

Yeah, there'll still be the slacker class, or the student who asks "Do you have our papers graded yet?" with as much frequency as an antsy 4 year-old asking his parents "Are we there yet?"

But, for some reason, those drawbacks don't bother me so much today.