Maaaybe just a bit of emo here

[wordinista]

I am suspecting right now that I'm going through my regular monthly "I fail and suck at life" phase, because I have been completely obsessing over getting rejected by Holy Trinity and nearly broke down in tears in front of my mom just discussing sitting down and composing a business plan for the tea shop because I am so completely terrified that I'm going to fail, and I don't like failing, you see.  I'm not very good at failing.  I don't handle it well.  And not getting that job has been poking at me lately, because, for whatever reason, I wasn't quite good enough for them, and I've been tearing myself apart trying to figure out why that is.

The tea shop.  The tea shop sounds like an excellent idea on paper.  But whenever I sit down and think about it -- really think about it -- I get this gnawing anxiety in my gut.  Will I be able to pull it off?  Can I be that dedicated?  What happens if it crashes and burns?  I already have huge student loan debt to work off -- am I prepared to add to that with the debt of a small business loan?  If it fails, I would have to declare bankruptcy, and that scares the shit out of me.

Mom and Tora both have been asking me why I haven't been working on one of the two original novels I've got on my hard drive, and the sad fact of the matter is that I really don't know if they're any good, and I've convinced myself that they're not, and I can't write on them, and it's frustrating and depressing, because, my god, I love to write.  I do.  And it's really what I want, and just thinking about them makes me want to... I don't know what.  I wish I could just work through this ridiculous funk, but I can't.  And the two people who you'd think would be all supportive of this?  Yeah.  My mother and my husband?  Neither of them has read either of the started novels.  Oh, they started to, way back when I had, like two chapters of UT written, but never got around to it.  Now, Tora I can forgive, because, generally speaking, there isn't much he really enjoys reading.  He tries in fits and starts, but it never happens. 

Mom, on the other hand.  Mom kind of pisses me off, because I have asked her several times if she'd read my draft, and every single time, she says the same thing -- she doesn't have time.  And I get that she's busy with her stuff, but for fucksake, she's my MOM.  She read a bit of it, sure, but I'm almost positive that the part that she read has been so heavily edited that it doesn't even exist anymore.  If I want her to read something of mine, I have to nag and nag and ask and beg and weasel and... and I don't want to do any of that.

My confidence level has never been so far in the toilet.  And maybe that's why I haven't been writing anything lately -- because I feel like everything I produce is complete crap.  I can't write original stuff, I can't manage any sort of ending for OGAM, I feel like I can't do anything that involves writing.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to go cold turkey off the intarwebs for a week or two and just write.  I need to do something.  My sanity's at stake here.

Comments

[merith.livejournal.com]

if you need an "off the street" reader, you can send it to me. i've found myself with a bit of time, and wouldn't mind reading something original that has nothing to do with anything i'm working on at the moment.

kara, your writing has always been good, and continues to improve. your dream will be realized one day. maybe not this year and maybe not next year, but it will. please don't give up on yourself.

have you contact the school to see if there was a specific area that you didn't quite meet their expectations on? ask in such a way that you are inquiring for continual improvement and development. it is common practice in the business environment, and shouldn't be out of place in academics either.

*hugs*

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

You know, I may take you up on this. It looks like I may be going back to the drawing board in more ways than one, but I may definitely take you up on this.

I don't know if I can/should/ought to contact the school -- I really suspect it has either to do with a lack of high school experience specifically, or the fact that my specialty area lies in British literature, and they might have found a candidate with more experience in American Lit. Which, if I'm going to be brutally honest with myself, was the one thing I wasn't keen on -- I'm not an American Lit fan. So... it's probably for the best, but I need to lick my wounds a bit more I think.

[merith.livejournal.com]

oh, that wouldn't be good. turning your 'dream job' into a nightmare one. you know your stuff, so it isn't the ability or knowledge. and it is most likely as you say - they were looking for someone that fit the position a little better for american lit and high school experience. no failure there! :) bet they'll be calling on you if/when they need an english lit instructor.


send away! i'm merith@cox.net.

[jazzy-fay.livejournal.com]

First of all, I love your writing. You and your magical ability to manipulate language in that just-so way are what I aspire to and know that I will never reach.

Secondly, and this is honestly a bit selfish, I truly hope you do open the tea shop. The idea of actually having a place run by someone competent whose knowledge of teas I trust and whose style and tastes I like, and having it only a couple hours away is enough to make me fangirl. Trust me, if you open the shop, you've got yourself one guaranteed regular customer, gas money be damned.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

LOL -- I have to say, there are so many appealing sides to running my own tea shop. The only thing that gets me down a bit is the part where I'm pretty sure I'd get next to NO days off to begin with. (But on the other hand, I'd be working for myself instead of someone else, so if I'm ten minutes late, no one's going to bitch about it.) I also catch myself thinking about doing a high tea once a month, or having trivia nights or knitting groups or what have you.

But it is a huge commitment and that scares me.

[jazzy-fay.livejournal.com]

Yeah, time-off doesn't seem to happen much for small business owners. Still, I suppose the work itself is supposed to be its own reward, provided you're doing what you love. The high tea/add-ons sound so cool! Now you've got me wishing you already had the shop even more. Which reminds me...A couple of weeks ago, I was in Barnes and Noble, and I actually caught myself looking for UT.

As far as the commitment factor goes, I sort of understand (as well as someone who isn't even done with school and still lives at home can). I'd love to be able to both write something that I was happy enough with to submit for publication, and eventually own a small bookstore of my own. But I can't really remember the last time I touched my original and the store is something that I mentally stuck in a box labeled "future dream" and occasionally take out play with, but only when no one is around to catch me.

[sharibet.livejournal.com]

Ah, man, Niamh-dear, you sound like you're in a tough place. Going into business for yourself *is* a hugely scary process (I know, I contemplated it myself when I left my high-tech job last summer, and ultimately decided against it because I wasn't comfortable with the amount of financial risk).

I'm not surprised you aren't writing right now. Creative endeavors require some measure of serenity (or at least they do for me), and I also find myself unable to write when most of my brain's CPU cycles are consumed with fretting and worrying and stressing.

Give yourself some time to mourn the job you didn't get. It'll get better in time, I promise.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks. I think you hit the problem on the head -- my brain has just been going and going and going lately, and it's like... that creative part of my brain needs to be relaxed for me to produce anything. And it's not -- in fact, it's curled up into this tense little ball, and every time I try poking it with a stick, the response is, "AAAAUGH GO AWAY."

I've been trying to get over the job thing, but I haven't... really mourned it yet. I want to get over it, but I suppose I can't until I've worked through it and accepted that their decision does not reflect personally on me.

George was saying just this morning that he can't understand why I'm not writing. I left my job at the college specifically so I could write. He was like, "I don't get it; you've had two years to finish this thing. How come you're not working on it?" So that's a little frustrating too, because he's right -- I should have finished it by now. I've got a lot done on it, but it's not DONE.

[katmorning.livejournal.com]

I should just stick with the comfort, and not go on to the relaying thoughts, but we know that's not really me. As always, ignore my rambles where you see fit.

First off ... you're one of the most elegant writers I've ever had the pleasure to read. Family ... well, they suck when it comes to getting them to actually read stuff. Sure, they're going to tell you that you should work on the original novels and get them submitted, but when it becomes an issue of ponying up and reading the drafts? They won't do it. I think they're afraid that it's not as good as they're trying to convince you it is, because they're family and they kind of have to say that. So long as they don't actually read it, they can continue with the encouragement and not have to risk feeling obligated to criticize.

Family is funny that way. My mom dodges reading anything I write when I ask her to. And then complains that I never show her anything.

Maybe we need a support group for us fic writers that are working on originals too.

Other than that ... I've kept the notes to one of the lectures I went to when I started my business degree. The lady was an entrepreneur and had crashed big time a few times. And then she didn't want to try again, but then decided she couldn't live that way. So she started approaching things this way: ask yourself if you can survive it. Yes, it will suck. Yes, you'd end up with some nasty consequences, but will you, and the things dearest to you survive it? If the answer's "no" to that, then it's too big of a risk. If the answer is "yes", then go for it. The worst that happens is that you fail, and failure means you get to try something new.

It was an amazing lecture, and that's why I kept the notes. I need to read them over again now that I think about it.

Maybe you can find an entrepreneurship incubator. I know my college has one. Basically they take a brand new hopeful business and help it out for several months to get on its feet.

*waves* I've got a shiny new business degree, and I've also written marketing plans for businesses. So, if you want an opinion on something ...

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* Thank you.

I learned yesterday that there's a local SBA chapter run by retired business owners who give free advice to young would-be entrepreneurs. I'm kind of afraid to hunt them down, but I think I may do it anyway. Also www.sba.gov is a wealth of information I see myself poking at in the near future.

I don't take failure well, but I think I could survive if an effort like this crashed and burned. I think. I hope? I think.

[rya-kelley.livejournal.com]

I can see where you're coming from on the writing aspect. Before I started with fanfiction (and after, who am I kidding?) I was certain I sucked and would never make it as a writer. And know what? As long as I have this attitude, I'm right. I'll never succeed.

After the sequel is finished (since I promised to write it, otherwise that's what I'd be doing now) I'm going to give this whole writing thing a real try. It's old wisdom, but it's true that it's better to try and fail than never try at all. That only leads to regret, and that's not something to you want to carry around when everything is said and done.

Everyone feels like you do. Just don't let it beat you down. Demons of self doubt are +5 to all their attacks /uncalled for gaming reference. I say stomp their ass and go out there and do your best.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

Yeah, venturing into the original stuff is a whole different ball of wax, that's for sure. I really just want to get the two WIPs I have out there finished (OGAM is closer to the end than the other one, alas), and then distance myself more from fanfiction. I'll still write it, I'm sure, because it's an addiction, but no more OMG HUGE MONSTERFICS.

But those demons of self-doubt can and will kick your ass if you let them, you're absolutely right.

[everstar3.livejournal.com]

*sends her minion out on an emergency cuddling mission*

Kyasha says: Kyaaaaaa... *petpetpet*

But seriously. *HUGS* I know how you are about failure, love; I'm the same way. Unfortunately, there's no real way to guarantee the success of something like that; you sort of just have to charge ahead and find out.

As to the writing... maybe there's a local writing group you could try to bond with? I don't think family members are usually great critics anyway; they fret about hurting one's feelings.

You absolutely don't suck. I envy you a little bit because you feel more compelled to write than I do, and sometimes I miss feeling that way. I know you can do it, both the tea shop and the books. *hearts;

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

*loev our minions*

Funny, my mom isn't at all afraid of hurting my feelings. But she's hardwired to be absolutely incapable of seeing the big picture, so instead of asking me about characters and plot, she's nitpicking about how one line of dialogue is phrased, and then I wonder why I wanted her to read it in the first place.

I did look up local writing groups. Problem is... me. Remember how I said there are certain situations where I turn into a complete introvert? That'd be one of them. So...yeah. I need to get over that, I know.

See, there's been a long while where I haven't felt compelled to write at all (and I suspect cfud has had a not-small influence on that aha), and I know that if I can get back into that headspace, then it'll come back. Because it's something I love, and that kind of love doesn't go away. It's more than just something I like to do -- it's almost like a sickness. It's a compulsion. I have to tell stories. Even if people don't like them! And I fell into a slump there, where I just... didn't write. For whatever reason. The spark isn't dead, but I think it's hibernating hardcore.

[darkfrog24.livejournal.com]

Niamh, this is something I figured out in grad school when one of my profs tried to get me to quit a class that I thought I was failing: If the failures and the quitters were playing baseball, the failures would win every time because the quitters wouldn't even show up.

Try the shop. Research the market, talk to a financial advisor and try the shop. Sure, it might fail. Own that going in and you'll do fine. I did.

Worst case scenario, you go into bankruptcy, which is not what it was years and years ago. Seven years and it's like it never happened and you've got some interesting stories about that time you ran your own shop.

Regarding the stories... I've been mulling UT over in my mind. What does it not have that OGAM does? A dynamic between the two protagonists that starts from day one. People will enjoy sliding around in your elegant prose, but that's what's going to keep them coming back, chapter after chapter. Get the goddess and the lit teacher started right away, before you even tell us that they're a goddess and a lit teacher.

Write for yourself first. If you manage to sell it, rock on, but count it like a windfall, like winning the lottery only more likely and with an intellectual contribution to homo sapiens.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

You know, it's funny. I was thinking the exact same thing today, and came up with the exact same realization. The protagonists don't click. And they need to. They don't even meet for several chapters. I'm thinking about taking a week sometime soon and putting Darwin in doggy-daycare every day and taking that time and driving myself SOMEWHERE (a park a coffeeshop, the beach) and plunking myself down with a pen and notebook, and writing. I just need to let my mind unwind, because it's been wound TIGHT lately.

You're right, though -- about the shop. If nothing else, there'll be stories. I just have to figure out if I'm dedicated enough to own a retail establishment. Because at first I won't be able to afford employees, and I'll be doing everything myself, and free time will become a thing of the past. And I like my free time. I particularly like to spend my free time with my dog and my husband, and not always in that order.

So. I have some heavy thinking to do over the next few days/weeks/whatever, I think.

[darkfrog24.livejournal.com]

I've been pondering some more. That opening scene where Sesshou sees Teles for the first time really kicks out a few stops.

What I finally figured out is that the opening scene does more than just show us the sizzle between the two protagonists; it also highlights those characteristics of theirs that will change by the end of the story. Who is Sesshoumaru when the story starts? He's the all-absorbed Lord of the West. Who is Teles? She's the personally invincible goddess of the sirens. What personality traits do they have at the beginning? How will this change by the end?

So what's your lit teacher's journey and what does our dryad learn from him? Paint the negative space around whatever he's missing and chuck your chick in the middle.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I agree. I like Anteros and Ianna a lot, but what's going on with them needs its own book. They've weasled their way into this story, and are slowly taking over. I think this happened because Liam and Diantha are kind of dragging. I need to change something -- maybe make Liam a arrogant, or less-established in his job, or SOMETHING. And Diantha needs to be less hands-off when it comes to the things she does. She doesn't get involved with anything, so it's almost impossible to make her get involved with anything. They also need to meet sooner. But mostly their characterizations need serious tweaking.

[tatertott.livejournal.com]

You are a wonderful writer, but we will always be our own worst critics - I think that's just human nature. You need a refresh, a break, and get yourself into a routine of doing a little bit each day. Even if the creative bug isn't biting, write anyway - a snippet of a story here, a notation or idea there, and soon the fear of not being able to write will ease.

I know this doesn't sound good, coming from someone who got over a, what, six-month creative slump? But the daily routine stuff? It's definitely helping me. Even if I'm not getting stupendous things out, I'm at least putting paper to pencil (or wacom tablet pen to virtual painter) and making a line, instead of trying to get over the fear of not being able to make a line.

There are also a lot of organizations out there to help people like you who want to start up small businesses - I would check with your network of friends/family to see if they know anyone first, or see if they would want to be a partner in financing you.

[w0rdinista.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

Actually, I think you and I are probably going through something similar as far as the inability to produce/fear of losing creativity is concerned. I need to be more disciplined with my time for starters -- this sounds funny, considering we're talking about being creative, but if I don't set aside time and MAKE myself be creative, the chances are good that I won't do it.

--You're right. The SBA is a huuuuuge cache of information. Mom showed me the website yesterday. I'm going to poke through it and see what I can see. :)