mmmmm....procrastination

[wordinista]

There are days I positively adore my schedule. Like today. Not having to work two days out of the week is pretty darn sweet, I must admit. Okay, yeah, the pay sucks beyond reason, but I didn't get into this because of the pay.

I'd like to say the better pay will come after the PhD, but the market is so flooded with English majors, I have a feeling I'm going to have a difficult time of finding a proper job. And I first have to get into one of the PhD programs, so... Actually, I should start hearing about those next month. And the anxiety factor is just multiplying because I remember what it felt like when I got that letter the last time. Granted, it would've been stupid to go straight to a PhD program when I was burning out on the MA, so it worked out in the end -- but it still hurt like hell. I think I cried for two days straight. Maybe three. I remember how sweet George was during that time -- one night he ordered us some Chinese food, and rented both American Pie movies. Then he surprised me with a stuffed Pikachu (because, really, who could remain in a sucky mood with that cute face smiling at you?).

If I don't get in this time? My family is going to find a note with my location on it. And when they find me, I'm going to be so tequila-soaked, they'll be able to use my liver as a door-stop. *sigh* Honestly, I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in to at least one of them (applied to 3). I have to get out of this house. Have to. Must. I've stated before how my mother is driving me crazy, but I don't know how many of you know how true that statement is. everstar3 and tatertott know some of the hair tearing details. Seriously -- I need to get out and love my mother at a distance.

Blargh. I should be grading. Or at least getting my attendance book straightened out.

Funny thing -- one of evilpuppy's posts got me thinking (which I really shouldn't do unsupervised). I know I had very specific impressions of a lot of people BEFORE I started chatting/IM'ing/emailing them. I started thinking about how I appear to people online. I like to think my personality here and in my posts at ID are very much like how I am in my day-to-day. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just me. But then I remembered one of my closest friends from GWU saying that her first impression of me was that I was this brainy, stuck-up, bitch. (((O___O))) On the first day of class, I was nervous almost to the point of nausea, and I'm painfully quiet in new social situations, so maybe I didn't help that first impression out too much.

And I don't know if I WANT to know what my students' impressions of me are. I try to be approachable -- there's no point in establishing a classroom climate where people don't feel comfortable asking questions. But I can't be a pushover. There's also the fact that I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. One student misinterpreted that as my being "intimidating." She went to the dept. chair complaining that I intimidated my students, bullying them using sarcasm.

*waits for the laughter to die down*

No, I'm completely serious. Intimidating. *rubs forehead* It'd be funny if it hadn't hurt so much. Yeah, let's savor the irony there.

Well, it's half-past ten, so I suppose this intimidating, stuck-up, brainy bitch had better try and do something more productive than playing with my LJ. ;) But then, I'm feeling all achy and crappy, so there may be more procrastination in my future. But I don't want the work to pile up (because then comes the nervous breakdown), so I'm going to get to it.

Comments

[tatertott.livejournal.com]

lol -- i didn't think you were this brainy, stuck up snob; i thought you were this awesomely smart (you have an MA, for gods sakes!) and super nice person who was gushing over this silly little drawing i did. about the intimidating thing, i get it, too. all through high school, i had friends come up to me and go "ya know, when i first me you, I thought you were going to be a total bitch!" I was like "...huh?!" Even now, I have this one male friend who is terrified of making me angry! He says that if I'm not showing any emtotion on my face, I look like I'm pissed. If I *am* pissed off and showing it, then I look like I'm ready to kill. But honestly, it all stems from being this shy, introverted person and the fact that when I'm not smiling, I looked peeved. weird.

[karit.livejournal.com]

I kinda have that problem, too. ^-^; Apparently I come off as snobby because I don't talk at first... like I'm looking down on people, when in fact, I'm so nervous meeting new people that I often get ill. O.o; So you're not alone on that... My best friend's mother, when she first met me, said she thought I was a snob. And this is the same person who's like a second mother to me now. ^-^;;

As for the dry humor... Yeah, I have the same thing. Only most of the time people just stare at me like I'm not making any sense.

I'll keep my fingers crossed on the PhD program... you definitely deserve to get it. ^-^

[evilcataluna.livejournal.com]

I never thought of you as bitchy and snobby, just someone who was really smart and probably wouldn't care for talking to someone like me (^^;; ok...that sounds kinda like the definition for snobby but it's not, I swear!.) Boy was I glad that you IMed me since I love talking with authors and bugging them for updates ^____^

[mishakatt.livejournal.com]

Between yours, Cat's and Ookami's posts you've all got me thinking about this. *bites nails - oh bad habit!*

Honestly, you never struck me as snobbish or anything like that. I thought it was cool to see an English college prof writing an Inuyasha fic. It was something I'd never seen before. So I lived a sheltered existence. I've broadened my horizons since then. Didn't we begin talking almost right off the bat? It was Sesshoumaru that did it. I knew he was good for something other than to just look at. *swoon* Sesshou-isms. Yes, the icon!

Gods, I'm being chatty today. Go figure.

[slvrstarlight.livejournal.com]

Alright, no more imtimidation, I will make a comment.

I think that it's just that online with the lack of visual contact it's harder to try and make the first connection to another person. Although I know that it is possible to make friends via AIM and chatrooms because I do it frequenly.

That being said, I'd like to say hi. Hi! I started reading your story Of Gods and Monsters on ff.net about 3 months ago...I might have left a review or two, but I don't remember. Anyway, readiing through some of your older posts, I know how you feel about your mom. My mother drives me to the point of insanity with the nagging and wining and all the other things she told me NOT to do as a small child. *sighs* I'll save my parantal rants for later, god only knows I have enough of them.

Now to get back to *not* cramming for midterms. Why I chose to major in math, I'll never know.

If you feel like dropping me a line, by all means go ahead, I have no life outside of work and school. Ja!

[everstar3.livejournal.com]

ack, you're using anime smileys! I'm going to be next!!!!

Ummmmm... yeah.

So. Anyway. Intimidating. *shrug* I don't know, you don't scare me. But maybe it's because I'm also of the English major.

Did I have a point? Probably not.

Intimidation Factor!

[hypocricy.livejournal.com]

Erm. Well, I'll be one of those people who admits to being intimidated by you, Niamh. But I'll tell you why: you're good at what you do. Everyone's a little intimidated by those who are better than them. Certainly, once you get to know them the indimidation is gone and (hopefully) replaced by mutual respect. But in many cases, people can't get over their own egos and will complain that you're a dick face to them. Intellectual snobs, mum calls them. Yeah, you can come off snobbish, arrogant or haughty, but it's just 'cause the person doesn't know you. Well, unless you really are snobby, arrogant or haughty. Which you're not. =D You intimidate people with your talent.

I only just recently talked to you via AIM and found you to be incredibly sociable and friendly. I look forward to more chats! In any case, tell your student(s) to pull that stick outta her/his ass and talk to you for once. I hate people who circumvent the problem and go for the superiors immediately. We have a name for them: pussies!

Go PhD! I'd love to see a scanned copy of it on your forum. It'd be a great addition.